RATING: G - nothing too bad
SEASON: Fifth Season
MAJOR CHARACTERS: Ronon and McKay, with Sheppard and Teyla 
DISCLAIMERS: The characters, Atlantis, etc, all belong to Sony, MGM, Gecko, Showtime, the Sci-Fi Channel.  I own nothing that they'd want.  
SUMMARY: Ronon goes to the mainland to procure a gift for the 'Secret Santa' gift exchange.
FEEDBACK: Yes please! comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated.
NOTE:  This is in response to a Story Exchange challenge among some of my friends.  I got to write for Sable Cain!  She asked for a story with H/C for Ronon, include the team.  She wanted the story to take place on the mainland or Atlantis, and including those pesky mainland snakes that have been mentioned but never seen.  Oh, and the uniting theme for our story exchange is -- explosions!
DATE: December 23, 2008 - Merry Christmas 

Snakes for Christmas
By NotTasha

PART 1: THE MAINLAND

He was aware of pain, pain so great that it almost consumed him, so overpowering that he couldn’t figure out exactly where it started.  It seemed without origin.  It came from everywhere.  He fought it, trying to force it away, to clear the scream of it, to put it in it place.

He was hurt.  He could hardly move.  His ears were ringing.

Not good.

He wrestled it, and his mind cleared a little.  There was a voice, feet shuffling.  The sounds grew closer.

“Wait, wait, I think I see him.  Hang on.  Ooof.  Dammit!  That might be his hair.  Better not be another bush.”  More rustling.  “How am I supposed to… Ow!   Yeah. Hey!  It’s him!  I’ve found him!”

“How is he?”  This voice was farther away – Sheppard.

“I don’t know.  I can’t reach him. He’s too far down.”  The voice was annoyed, petulant, McKay.

“Get to him!” Sheppard ordered.

“Need I remind you that I am an injured party?  My ankle?  Twisted.  Probably broken.  And yet you have me hopping around and…”

“Rodney,” Teyla’s voice – distant like Sheppard’s  “You must reach him.  He needs your assistance.  He is hurt.”

“Yeah, yeah,” some of the irritation left McKay’s voice.  “He’s not moving.  I’d better…” and his voice trailed off as there was more shuffling and crackling of undergrowth.  “I’ll get to him.”

Ronon wrinkled his forehead.  Hurt.  He was hurt.  He let himself feel what was wrong -- a stab of pain in his head, a sharp ache in his side, the unsubtle jarring agony of a broken leg.  He was bruised, confused.  Things fuzzed.

How?  What had happened?

“I’m almost there.  Ow!  Dammit!  I… stupid branch.  Oof!”  McKay fell, swore and scrambled onward, slipping and sliding and getting closer all the while.

Ronon struggled to tip away from unconsciousness, using the racket of McKay to draw him out.  He blinked, seeing only a blur.  He blinked again and focused on broken branches, torn up sod, dirt and leaves.  He was on his back, on a slope with his feet pointing downward.  His head was pressed near the hollow of a tree – and all around him was the damp green growth of the mainland.

The mainland – they were on the mainland of the planet.  Something had happened.  He could barely remember it – the sound of it – the violence of an explosion.

He could move his arms.  He tried to find his blaster, but when he reached for his hip, he found only the hard surface of something big.  He was blocked.

The blundering noise grew louder.  “Ronon?  Ronon?”  And then the voice whispered as a hand touched him, “Please, don’t be dead.  Don’t be dead.”

Ronon grunted in frustration.

“Thank God, oh thank God,” McKay muttered, and then called out.  “He’s alive!”

“Great!  You did good, Rodney,” Sheppard shouted from above.  “Is he hurt?” 

“Of course he’s hurt! We just were blown up, thrown off that cliff, and there’s a tree on him.  It’s a miracle he’s not dead.  It’s a miracle that I’m not dead.”

“A tree?” Teyla repeated.  “Rodney, is he badly injured.”

“I don’t know,” Rodney responded, sounding lost.  “I don’t think I can move it.  It’s wedged in with all these other trees.  Christ, what a mess.  I’m trying to get around it so that I can see is face.  I’m not sure I can move this thing.”

“Don’t try,” Sheppard told him.  “Not yet.  Check him out as best you can, McKay.  Is he bleeding?  Find out what’s wrong.”

“Yeah, okay.”  McKay shuffled again, getting around something – branches, trucks of trees.  “Bleeding… bleeding.  Please, don’t let there be any blood.  I’m no good with blood.”

McKay must have leaned on the tree that trapped his legs – or maybe one of the others mangled in with it -- because agony shot through him.  Ronon gasped loudly as the darkness pressed.

“Sorry!  Sorry!” McKay gibbered, very near him.  “Ronon?  You okay?”

Ronon blinked, trying to clear his vision and he focused on the shape above him.  Rodney was leaning in, looking bloodied, bruised and filthy.  “Ronon?” he called again, his face fixed with worry.

“Hey,” Ronon said thickly.

Rodney smiled, looking triumphant.  “Great!  Good!  You’re awake!”  He tilted his head and shouted up the hillside.  “He’s awake!”

Sheppard said something in response, but Ronon’s mind was drifting.  His head was pounding.  His leg ached.  It hurt to breathe.

“Yeah,” Rodney shouted in return, then turned to Ronon again.  “You’re hurt, right?” 

“Yeah,” Ronon replied, somewhat reluctantly.

“I figured as much,” Rodney responded, trying to sound glib, but he looked concerned.  “I don’t see much blood, thank God.   Care to tell me what’s wrong?  And don’t go all stoic on me, because that’s not going to help anyone. Obviously, you have a tree on you.  That can’t be good.  I twisted my ankle pretty badly.  It might be broken.  And look at these cuts.”  He pointed to the scratches on his face, and then held up an arm where the sleeve of his jacket had been torn and his arm was bloody beneath.  “It’s a miracle that I’m even mobile.”

Rodney moved in closer, slightly leaning on a nearby branch, and Ronon let out a hiss as pain radiated through his leg.  “Sorry!” Rodney said again as he sat back quickly.  “Not good?” he asked.

“Pretty sure my leg is busted,” Ronon told him, as he looked toward the log.  It lay across his thighs, trapping his legs in place.  Yeah, not good.  “Head hurts.”

“Yeah, mine too,” Rodney stated, and pointed to one of scrapes on the side of his head. 

“Might have broke a rib,” Ronon added, frowning a little at this admission.

“Well, that’s nothing, right?” Rodney replied.  “You probably break them all the time.”

“What’s going on down there?” Sheppard shouted from above.

Rodney turned to face uphill and shouted back at Sheppard, relaying what Ronon had just told him, but the shrillness of it made Ronon cringe and he closed his eyes, wanting the pain in his head to subside.

And it was black again for a while.

He opened his eyes when his arm was moved. He jerked it away, lifting himself halfway upright, ready to pound whatever had attacked him. He fell back into place immediately as his side screamed and his leg sent jolts of pain through him.  Gasping, he pulled an arm across his body to support his sore chest.

“Hey!” McKay spouted, “What the hell was that for?”

Ronon breathed through his teeth for a moment, turning to face McKay.  The scientist was on his ass among the tumbled undergrowth. He was several feet away, looking as if he’d been thrown back.

McKay held up a ruined bandage.  “I was trying to fix up your hand!  You have a nasty looking cut on it.  I didn’t need to get assaulted for trying to help.”

Ronon grunted in return and pulled back his hand to look at the cut along his knuckles.  “Hardly worth it,” Ronon mumbled.

“It can get infected if you leave it like that,” Rodney chided.  “I’m just trying to save your life, that’s all.”  He rubbed at his chin.  “Didn’t deserve a broken jaw for that.”

Ronon laid back and blinked up at the trees, trying to get a grasp on his circumstances.  They were near the bottom of a long slope, surrounded by broken limbs and shattered trees.  It looked as if a bomb had gone off.  Absently, he sucked the blood on his hand.

“Great, use your own primitive medical techniques.  I try to do a good deed and this is the thanks I get.”  Rodney huffed as he tried to get his feet under him, and instead settled for crawling to get back to Ronon.

Ronon turned his head, looking uphill, listening.  He didn’t hear Sheppard or Teyla.  “Where are the others?” he asked.

“Don’t you remember?” Rodney asked as he found a place to sit.  “They went to the puddlejumper.  They figured they couldn’t get down here without the right equipment.  Then Sheppard thought he might be able to fly in from below.  I told him that would be impossible, but he wanted to try it anyway.  I wonder what’s taking them so long.”

“Why haven’t you radioed them?”

“Hello!  I lost my radio in the fall,” Rodney said obnoxiously, pointing at his ear.  “It would have helped if you’d managed to keep yours.”

Ronon grimaced at this fact, and continued to look uphill, toward where he’d heard Teyla and Sheppard.  “What happened?”

“How should I know?  They’re probably taking their time.”

Ronon grumbled and turned toward McKay.  “What happened to us?” he clarified.

“Oh, oh,” McKay responded.  “The explosive went off.  We were up there.”  He pointed with his hurt arm, and thought better of it, drawing it quickly back.  He sniffled a little and said, “Of course Sheppard and Teyla didn’t get caught up in it.  They were smart enough to leave the snakes alone.”

“Snakes?” Ronon repeated.

Rodney leaned in close, peering at him strangely.  “Don’t you remember why we were here?”

Ronon scowled, but somehow his ‘look of death’ didn’t contain its usual foreboding.  “No,” he finally murmured.

McKay tried to find a comfortable position without touching any of the branches.  He groaned, and his feet skittered in the leaves.  “It’s all your fault, you know.”

Furrowing his brow, Ronon asked, “Why’s that?”

“The stupid snakes!” Rodney returned.  “We came here to catch highly-poisonous, giant snakes.  Why did I agree to such a cockamamie plan?  And using C4?  Come on!  I mean, even you should have been wise enough to realize that was not smart.  So, that begs the question, why did I come along on this ridiculous jaunt?  Remind me, if anyone ever suggests hunting for snakes again, tell me that I'd rather pull my own teeth out with needle-nose pliers.  Honestly, I'd rather be shoveling snow.”  And he grimaced horribly as he considered the ideas.

The comments didn’t help Ronon's memory.  “Why were we looking for snakes?”

Rodney let out a low sigh and leaned over Ronon again.  “You really got your bell rung.  Let this be a lesson to you.  C4 is not a toy!”

Ronon turned away, wishing he could remember, wishing McKay would get to the point.

Beside him, Rodney mumbled something, then said quietly, “Do you think I can move this tree?  I mean, do you think I should?  I can try.  I don’t know if I can lift it, or if it would be for the best.  It might be a very bad idea because I’m not that strong and it looks like it’s wedged in there really good, but I think I need to get you out of there, because you’re obviously really hurt and … I’m not good at this.”

“Leave it,” Ronon gritted out, and glanced to Rodney, who looked upset and torn.  “Tell me about the snakes.”

The anxiety seemed to leave McKay’s face, to be replaced with annoyance.  “The damn snakes!  Remind me, Ronon, to never allow ‘Secret Santa’ in Atlantis again. What the hell were we thinking?  And wish lists?  Never, never allow the herpetologists to write up their requests in a gift exchange!  Why can't they ask for sensible things like cookies or... homemade rolling-pins or something.”

Ronon remembered.   Dr. Ruby Quinn had asked for one thing when the gift exchange was posted.  She’d wanted a live specimen of the snakes from the mainland.  Ronon had originally picked Dr. Rees who wanted a pretty necklace or something ridiculous like that.  He traded names with Zelenka to get Ruby’s request.   Snakes.  Yeah!  Zelenka had looked so relieved when the names were traded.

Snakes.  Ronon had wanted to give snakes.  And he’d needed a ride to the mainland.  Sheppard had agreed, and had somehow coerced McKay and Teyla to come along.  Teyla had been quite content when she’d first heard the idea of traveling to the mainland with her team.  She’d been less than thrilled when she’d discovered their mission.

McKay had become apoplectic when he’d heard why they’d come.  “Secret Santa Snakes?  You have got to be kidding!  Who in their right mind asks for snakes for Christmas?  I'd rather spend the day at the shopping mall or queued at the post office.  Is she an imbecile?  Truly, she must have some sort of brain damage.  How do you plan to catch these giant poisonous snakes?”

Ronon had mentioned something about a snake-catching stick, a large canvas bag, help from his team, and C4.

The ranting from McKay had increased in volume.

Sheppard had gone on about how snakes actually make nice pets.  Ronon had explained that he’d captured snakes before – “Good eatin’!”

McKay would have nothing to do with it, and had glowered and grumbled during their snake search.  He’d made his feelings known at every moment as Ronon had poked around in the undergrowth, as they’d moved further from the jumper.

They’d been searching a new area.  Sheppard had been standing guard.  Teyla was eyeing the undergrowth. McKay was standing to one side, his arms crossed over his chest as he scowled.   Ronon had been moving carefully, using his stick to lift up branches.

He’d figured it would be a quick adventure.  Fly to the mainland.  Hop out.  Hook a snake.  Bag it.  Bring a snake back to Atlantis to the joy of Ruby Quinn – who had brown eyes and dark hair.  She always smiled at him.  She also had a thing for puppets.  He was glad she hadn't asked for a puppet.

Snakes were harder to find than he’d hoped.   They liked high trees.  But that’s why he brought the C4.  After two hours of searching, one had appeared – some distance above their heads.  No amount of coaxing would bring it down.

The C4 would.

He’d placed the charges carefully at the base of the tree.  McKay had shouted that a good double buck saw would be a better choice. Sheppard started singing a song about being a lumberjack -- sleeping all night, and skipping and jumping.

“This way is faster,” Ronon had told him.

Rodney was aghast, Teyla wasn’t happy, but Sheppard was obviously tired of their trek and had told him to go ahead.

Ronon had grinned at McKay, pleased with his win.  And, after calling out a warning, he’d set off the charge.

There was a blast.  A tremendous sound, and then things were falling – trees, people, branches and dirt.  There was shouting and flailing and falling, then blackness.

It must have been one hell of an explosion.  He wished he remembered it better.  Everything was foggy.

He blinked, forcing himself to return to the present.

Beside him, Rodney called, “Ronon?  Oh God, what’s wrong?  Come on, don’t do this to me again. You okay?”

Ronon turned to Rodney.  “Did I get the snake?” he asked.

Rodney grumbled as he sat back.  “I have no idea. I was too busy trying not to be blown to pieces!  How much C4 did you use?”

“It was a big tree,” Ronon explained.

“You should not be allowed around explosives!  Didn’t you check to see how close that tree was to the edge of the cliff?  You blew out the tree, the cliff and brought down a dozen other trees with it.  Oh, and did I fail to mention that you blew us up with it?”

“Sorry I missed it,” Ronon decided.

Rodney crossed his arms over his chest.  “It was loud and it was kinda awesome.  It would have been a hell of a lot cooler if I hadn’t gone over the edge.  I’m just sayin’.”

Ronon closed his eyes because his head hurt, his leg ached and breathing sent jolts through him.  He focused, trying to contain the pain.

“Wish I knew why the others were taking so long,” Rodney said mournfully.  “Seriously, they should be back by now. It shouldn’t take that long to hike back to the jumper.”  He glanced up the hill, obviously troubled with the idea that something might have happened to them.

Yeah, where had Sheppard and Teyla gone?

The mainland wasn’t entirely safe.

“You should go,” Ronon told Rodney.  “Check on them.  You’re not doing much here anyway.”

Rodney snorted indignantly.  “Yeah, right,” he muttered.  “You seem to forget that I might have broken my ankle.”  He frowned.  “And someone has to hang around here, you know, in case the snake comes back because you can’t do much right now, can you?”

“What could you do about it?” Ronon asked.

Rodney’s jaw dropped a little.  “I could… I could do something,” he insisted.

“Where’s my blaster?” Ronon asked.

“I don’t know.  What did you do with it?” Rodney shot back.

Ronon frowned.  “Where’s your gun?”

Rodney gave him an arch look.  “I have my 9mm.  I lost my pack and my P90 and everything else when I was tossed off that cliff.”  He paused as he thought of something, and his face turned bleak and pale.  “Don’t… don’t ask me for the gun,” he stated quickly.  His gaze shifted to the log that pinned the Satedan, and Rodney seemed almost afraid to meet his eyes.

Ronon wasn’t sure what to make of the reaction.  “Keep it,” he said.  “We may need it.”

McKay seemed relieved at that remark, but quieted, saying a soft, “I hope they made it.”

Ronon sighed, knowing that he was the reason Rodney couldn’t search for the others.  He was trapped and hurt and forcing Rodney to stay nearby.  The others might be in trouble.  If he could only get free of the tree trunk, Rodney could go in search of them.

With a heroic roar, Ronon pulled himself upright, gripping the tree with one hand, and wrapping the other arm around his chest.  He sucked in air, struggling, forcing his muscles to work as he demanded, even as he shook with pain.

“What?  What?” Rodney called, panicked and edging closer to grab the Satedan, and steady him.  “What are you doing?  Are you insane?  Just lie down!”

“Gotta find them,” Ronon hissed through his teeth, pain scorching through his chest and trapped leg.  His head swam.

“Knock it off!”  Rodney sounded irritated.

Ronon gripped the tree truck, gasping as he fought to control his pain.  Bones seemed to grind within his trapped leg.  His stomach flip-flopped, threatening to shame him.  Every breath sent needles of agony through his chest.  He hissed and the color leached from the world around him.

“Please…” Rodney begged.

“Help… me… move… this…” Ronon gasped out, releasing his other arm from his chest and reaching for the tree.  “Got to… get it… off me…”

“You told me not to!” Rodney shot back.  “It’s jammed in under those other logs!”

“Move them!” Ronon ordered.

“Easy for you to say!  These logs are huge.  I can hardly get around, and it’s like Pick-Up-Stix over there.  They’re all tangled up together.  I can’t do it.”

Ronon let loose one hand and snagged it into Rodney’s vest, yanking him close.  McKay’s eyes opened wide in surprise.  “Do it!” Ronon commanded.  “I will not… be trapped!  The others… we…”

And then something failed in him.  Everything black and, for a little while, the pain went away.

He awoke.  The sky seemed darker.  The tree was still on top of his legs.  He was still on the slope, surrounded by broken branches.  Trapped.  Still trapped.

He let out a low, frustrated growl.

“Ronon!” McKay called.  “Thank God.  You scared me!  You okay now?  I mean, as okay as you can be with a ton of tree on you.” And he laughed a little, trying to pass his words off as a joke, but the laugh cut off and he said in a low and genuine tone, “I tried.  I really tried to move some of the logs and branches and…”  His voice trailed off, and he said, ashamed, “I couldn’t do it. And you were all unconscious and I couldn’t wake you up.”

Ronon turned his head, seeing that Rodney was dirtier than he’d been before, more scraped and bruised.  He held his hands as if they hurt him, and sat hunched with what might have been an aching back.

Ronon ran one hand along the tree.  He was still trapped.  There was no way out.

“You okay?” Rodney asked after a moment. “Are you getting worse?  Is there anything you think I can do to help?  I mean, besides moving all those logs, because that isn’t happening.”

“I’m fine,” Ronon replied, staring upwards.  “Nothing you can do.”

Rodney sighed, and then stated, “I bandaged your hand.”  He smiled a little as he pointed.

Ronon lifted his hand slightly, surprised at the difficulty of the move.  He turned the hand and looked at the dressing.  Nicely done.  “Thanks,” he muttered.

“Hey, no problem, buddy,” Rodney added the last word tentatively, and he gave Ronon the slightest punch in the shoulder.

Ronon continued to stare at his hand, trying to lift it again, but it felt leaden. He could hardly move his head any more.

Rodney huddled beside him.  And they sat in silence for several minutes.  “We haven’t heard from the others,” Rodney said, “In case you’re wondering or anything.  It's been hours now.  Won't be long and it will be dark.  I should light a fire, shouldn't I?”

Ronon said nothing, staring up at the trees.  The leaves shuddered.  He narrowed his gaze at the movement.  “Snake,” he said softly.

McKay shook his head.  “The stupid snake caused all this trouble.  I don’t see why you even joined the gift exchange.”

Ronon shrugged slightly as he kept his eyes on the moving thing.  “Thought it would be fun.”

“Hardly,” Rodney responded.

“Good way to meet girls,” Ronon added.  “You could use the help.”

“Hey, I’m kinda in a relationship now,” Rodney remarked.  “And gift exchanges have never been of any benefit to me.”  He sat forward slightly.   “It’s been years since I even tried.”

“It’s the first time we’ve done it,” Ronon reminded as he watched the snake.  It moved slowly in the broken branches of a nearby tree, far enough away to still be safe.

“It may be the first time we’ve done a gift exchange in Atlantis, but it’s a horrible old tradition from Earth.  It always ends miserably.  One year, this researcher had been complaining about how she wanted to lose weight.  She always talked about it, but never did anything.  I ended up with her name and bought her a diet book. Great book, I hear, and a very considerate gift.  She almost hit me with it.”  Rodney harrumphed.  “Another year, I was stuck with the receptionist, who was always messing up the conference room schedule.  I bought a planner for her with all of my important meetings already written in along with my room of choice.  You’d think I’d receive some sort of a thank you.  Instead, she messed up my schedule for a month.”

Ronon listened, feeling the pain and discomfort of his position, wondering if he’d ever get free.  The snake was relatively small for its species, only about twice as tall as a man, and about as thick as his arm.

“Another year, I ended up with an engineer who was always calling in sick.  Or he’d come in all sickly and sniffling, and bound to infect everyone.  I bought him some Dayquil and a box of Sudafeds and a gift card for London Drug.  You’d think that would be appreciated?  No, not at all.”  Rodney continued to frown at the surrounding slope.  “Not at all.”

“Too bad,” Ronon said thickly.  The snake flicked its tongue, and turned its head slowly toward them.  It was deep purple, with lighter violet stripes.

“And what sort of gifts did I receive in return, you might ask?  One ignoramus bought me a tin of lemon tea.  Lemon!  Death in a can!  He was trying to kill me!  The next year it was a DVD of ‘The Titanic’.  First, the movie is lame, and second, the DVD was an obvious re-gift.  The shrink wrap had already been removed and the original gift tag was inside – ‘To Sally, from Lenore.  Best Movie Ever!’  No, it wasn’t, and Sally sucks.  Third time I participated, I didn’t even get a gift and never found out who had my name.  Coward!  I gave up after that.  Why bother.”

The snake slithered along its branch.

“I gave thoughtful gifts that would have benefited the recipient, and nobody wanted them. And I received nothing I could use in return.”

Ronon wanted to say that Ruby would want a snake.  The snake that drew near them now would be perfect, but he was feeling floaty and could hardly get his mouth to work any longer.

Rodney continued, “Then, when I thought I am free from dreaded gift exchange, someone decides to hold one in Atlantis.  Who the hell figured that was a good idea?”

“Woolsey,” Ronon replied thickly, feeling woolen-headed.  The undulating movement of the snake seemed to hypnotize him.  It slithered toward them, easing through the branches.

“Woolsey, yeah, you’d think he’d have more sense.”  Rodney went on, “And then you decide that a snake would make the perfect gift.  Who thought that was a good idea?”

“Ruby,” Ronon mumbled.  “She’s pretty.”  The snake was pretty, too, in its reptilian way.  It had almost reached them, easing from one branch and onto the tree that trapped him.  It kept coming, moving silently and ever closer.  He tried to move an arm to reach for the missing blaster, but his arm wouldn’t obey him.

“Snake…” Rodney grumbled.

“Snake,” Ronon echoed as it drew closer.  He watched it, feeling helpless.  “Snake,” he said again, his lips thick and numb.  Everything was fading.

Rodney turned toward him, his expression curious.  Ronon turned his head, gazing toward the thing that was almost upon them.

It drew back to strike.

Rodney turned, following Ronon’s gaze and uttered a strangled,  “Oh, crap.”

And Ronon's vision faded.

There were flashes, moments of cognizance.  McKay was on the ground, rolling away from him, a snake wrapped around him.  Someone screamed shrilly.  Then, people.  Lots of people.  Sheppard.  Teyla.  Someone was speaking to him, trying to explain a plan, pointing, but it all failed to take hold in his mind.

The people registered in his consciousness like the Wraith shadow illusions, flitting about in his vision.  The people were moving things.  Big things.  He hurt.  The log above him shifted and he bit back a shout.  Sheppard said something.  “Hang in there.  You’re almost free.”  And then the log shifted again.

The blackness returned.

This time it stayed.

PART 2: ATLANTIS

Ronon awoke slowly, pushing away the fog, purposefully making his way out of it and back into the waking world.

And he blinked in the brightness of the infirmary, letting out a quiet breath.  The weight was gone.  He was free, and he tentatively tried to move his leg, quickly regretting the folly as he hissed in pain.

“Easy, big fella,” Sheppard said from beside him.  “You broke your leg.  They’re waiting for the swelling to go down before they do anything with it.  It’s just splinted right now.  Best keep it still.

And then Teyla spoke.  "Ronon, you also have a concussion and have broken two ribs.  Do not move suddenly.”

"It's a miracle that Chewie is still in one piece," Sheppard said, more to Teyla than to him.  "That was a pretty big tree."

"It takes more than that to stop Ronon," Teyla responded with a smile in her voice.

Ronon took in the splint that encased his leg.  He wasn’t going anywhere soon. His chest was strapped.  He could feel the bandage at his head, and he turned his hand to see the strip of a dressing across his knuckles.

“Still,” Sheppard went on.  “It’s a good thing we got to him when we did.”

Ronon turned slowly to face the colonel, who grinned at him.  Sheppard was leaned back in his chair, wearing a floppy red cap, trimmed in white fake fur – a Santa hat.  Teyla sat on the bed next to his, smiling happily at him.

He slowly surveyed the rest of the infirmary, finding that he was the only patient.  “McKay?” he asked.

“Was sent back to his room.  Twisted his ankle,” Sheppard explained.  

"He also hurt his back, and suffered from other scratches and cuts," Teyla explained.  She looked a little unsure as she asked, "Is it true that he attempted to move some of those logs on his own?”

"Might have," Ronon responded, not knowing for certain.  He frowned deeply.  “The snake... a snake was attacking him.”

Sheppard laughed.  “Other way around.  Rodney’s the one that attacked the snake.  We got to where you were just in time to see him launch himself at it.  I didn't have a clear shot, otherwise I would have taken it out."

"Certainly," Teyla put in, not sounding as if she was convinced.

"It was a pretty spectacular fight.  McKay got his hands around the snake's neck and went rolling down the hill with it.”  Sheppard shook his head, in disbelief.  "I never would have believed it, but he had that thing under control."

Teyla continued to smile.  “Dr. Quinn wanted us to thank you for your part in the 'hunt'."

“Quinn?”

“Dr. Ruby Quinn," Sheppard filled in.  "You ended up with her name in the gift exchange.  Snakes for Christmas.  Remember?”

“Yeah,” Ronon said.  How could he forget?   “Stupid Secret Santa.”

“Ain't that the truth.”  Sheppard sighed and sat back in his chair, flicking at the white ball on the end of his floppy hat.  “Next year, it’s banished again!”

"I agree."  Teyla creased her brow as she gazed toward Ronon. "I believe that Sergeant Johnson drew my name."  She sighed loudly.  "He has been following me and asking me many pointed questions regarding my 'likes and dislikes'.  I hope that he decides upon an adequate gift soon.  I have given him many ideas and I cannot take much more of his attention."

"Maybe he just likes you?"

Teyla gave Sheppard an arch look.  "He is well aware of Kanaan and Torren," she pointed out.  "And he has made a nuisance of himself.  If he asks after my favorite color one more time, I am not certain what I will have to say to him."

Ronon lifted his gaze to Sheppard and asked, “What took you so long to reach us?”

Sheppard groaned.  “Lorne drew my name for the gift exchange.  I guess he’s been kinda annoyed about the jumpers being stolen by every Tom Dick, Ford and Michael out there.  He coerced Radek into upping the security protocol on Jumper 5 as a gift to me.  Problem is, no one told me about it.  I accidentally activated the system when we entered the jumper.  It went into lock-down mode.  Teyla and I were trapped inside and couldn’t even use the comm System until Atlantis checked in.”

“Zelenka?” Ronon asked.  “Thought he had more sense.”

“Lorne swore him to secrecy.  Plus, I guess Lorne's been making jewelry in his spare time.  I think Zelenka was interested in some of his wares for his own Secret Santa.”

Ronon grumbled.

“Lorne meant well,” Sheppard tried.  “But it was bad timing.”

“I wonder who got his name,” Ronon stated, his mind working.

“I think it’s Keller,” Sheppard told him.  

“Yes," Teyla said.  "Jennifer told me that she was looking for paints that might be usable for his artwork.”  

Sheppard sighed. “He’ll like that.”

“Too bad,” Ronon muttered, staring at his hurt leg. 

“He seemed apologetic, but was pretty pleased at how well the system worked," Sheppard explained.  "Of course, he wasn’t the one trapped inside a jumper for hours.”

“Or stuck under a log,” Ronon added.  “With only McKay for company.”

“Yeah,” Sheppard responded.  “You got me there.”

Thinking better of it, Ronon added, “McKay wasn’t so bad.  Kinda grows on you after a while.”

“True,” Sheppard responded. 

"Yes," Teyla added warmly.  "He does grow on one."

“What did he do while you were stuck all that time?” Sheppard asked.

“Did what he could to help me,” Ronon admitted, then, making a face, he added, “Talked, a lot.  Told me why he doesn’t do the whole gift exchange thing.”

“He’s a genius, you know,” Sheppard commented.  

"Yes," Teyla said with a wry smile.  "So he tells us."

Sheppard went on with his story, saying, “So, Teyla and I were stuck inside the jumper with no access to any of the systems.  When Atlantis checked in, we could finally access the radio, but that was about it. They sent out a team with Lorne and Zelenka to release us.  Soon as he shut down the ‘special gift’, we went after you.  Found McKay wresting with a giant snake, and you trapped.”  Sheppard chuckled.  “One of the marines got a picture of the fight.”

Ronon grunted a little.  “That’d be something to see.”

Sheppard smiled.  "You'll see it.  I'm blowing it up.  Special present for someone who didn't participate in the exchange.  Anyway, after a couple of marines helped out Rodney with getting that snake corralled, we had to get you out.  Took a whole engineering team, a medical team and a bunch of marines to figure out how to get all those logs removed without crushing you."

"Thanks," Ronon said, and then added, “I heard someone scream.  Thought it was McKay, but it might have been a woman, now that I think about it."

To that, Sheppard chuckled and said, “Did you know Lorne was afraid of snakes?”

"Afraid of them?" Ronon echoed.

"I swear, the guy went white as a sheet," Sheppard described.  "He almost fainted."

"He looked very ill," Teyla stated.

Ronon considered this fact, then looked up to Sheppard with a calculating expression.  “And Keller drew his name?”  He laughed a little, saying, “I wonder if I can convince her to change her gift plans.”

And Sheppard smiled widely as he leaned forward.  “You know, I’m pretty sure I can make that happen."

With that, Teyla stood abruptly.  "I do not want to be a part of this discussion," she said.  Yet she smiled at them.  "So I shall leave now so that you can continue with your plans." 

"Last I saw, Johnson was in the Mess," Sheppard told her.

Teyla nodded a thanks, and then offered Ronon a smile before she headed toward the infirmary's exit.

Sheppard didn't even wait for her to leave before he continued.  "We still have a few days before Christmas.  I might be able to load McKay into a jumper and head back for the mainland for a little hunting expedition.  His ankle should be better in time for that, and he has a knack for finding trouble."

Ronon looked unconvinced.  "Not sure if he'll do it.  He said something about pliers and snow."

Not bothering to figure out what Ronon meant, Sheppard went on, "I'll work on him.  We'll go after the little snakes. The blue ones aren't poisonous, right?  But Lorne doesn't know that.”  

And they both laughed as they considered the payback that Lorne was going to receive for the jumper lockdown.

After all, few gifts beat Snakes for Christmas.

THE END  So there you go.  Tipper's Sergeant Johnson was borrowed without her consent. Sorry about that.  

I hope you enjoyed the story.  Merry Christmas

Hope you enjoyed the story. comments and suggestions
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